Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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