dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
