she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
her facebook's as public as her vagina
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
