dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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