No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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