At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
