Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
