You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
