Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
