Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
