the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
