I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
