If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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