i already hear my dad disowning me
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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