i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
