Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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