Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
