I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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