The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
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