She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
