9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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