My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
