We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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