EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
