Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
