guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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