I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I need to calm my uterus...
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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