i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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