I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
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