we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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