Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
