I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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