I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
