im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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