You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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