Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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