Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
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Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
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I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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