We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
