make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
