there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
We need to get me chipped asap
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
