I intend to get homeless drunk
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
