Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
