im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
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