I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
