Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
