wat bout pragnant strippers??
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
