He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
