nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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