You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
