I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
