my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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