At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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