those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
