I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
