hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
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seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
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Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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