you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
