so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
