Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
