Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
