my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
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Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
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Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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