We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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